you’re suddenly stuck by panic, hyperventilating, because everything seems to have gone wrong and it’s been going badly for months, and you’re so used to directing all your anger and fear inwards but you can’t take it anymore. so you lash out, you’ll provoke anyone you think might care into saying something, anything, so that you can get all of that poison out of you. so they’ll punish you (with their words, their anger, their abandonment) for ruining everything yet again.
but they don’t. and all you’ve done is make things so much worse.
(because it’s not that i don’t know that it isn’t their responsibility to punish me for my sake. their punishment, if it comes, is for their own benefit, and it is fueled by hurt [but sometimes i can’t see why] and it isn’t healing, but destructive.)