hmm. feels as if all my important relationships – with friends and somewhat-more-than friends – are in turmoil right now. there’s no security or safety anywhere. i even managed to fuck up a potential new relationship, though i don’t know how.

it would be so much easier, i think, to just accept things as they are and let people do and say whatever they want just to make sure they’ll stay. but it isn’t, not really, and i can’t. which i suppose is a step in the right direction, but i’m afraid it’s gonna cost me a lot of people i hold very dear.

and i do still grasp onto the slightest bit of kindness, no matter what the motives behind it, and take it as a sign of my own worthiness as a friend or somewhat-more-than friend or potential lover.

but at least i’m also aware that i’m doing it?


today i am

uglier than yesterday

less connected than before
(semi-reconnected since 10am)

emotionally poorer
dreading my account balance

unsuited for romance or

giving (today) up as a
bad job.